How To Speak Obama-ese

I've come up with a new way to handle questions that are uncomfortable or that I don't want to answer anymore--I am going to respond like a member of the Obama Administration.

I came up with this idea after noticing the Administrations pattern of answering its critics with denial of accountability, and then attempts to basically shout down the questioner until they give up asking for anwers.  Take for example former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton trying to bully Senator Ron Johnson of Wisconsin:

So the next time I blow off cutting the lawn to go golfing--and tell my wife that I was actually working late--but she finds out, the conversation will go something like this:

WIFE--You went golfing yesterday?  I thought you said you were at work all afternoon and that's why you didn't cut the grass.

ME--THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS THE GRASS IS NOT CUT.  WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE NOW IF I WAS GOLFING OR WORKING?

And then you have the President himself discussing his "surprise" and "outrage" that the IRS was putting the screws to his political opponents:

http://usnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2013/05/15/18279340-obama-calls-irs-flap-inexcusable-announces-resignation-of-acting-irs-chief?lite

So the next time I come home from umpiring and just leave my sweaty clothes in the middle of the floor in the bedroom, the conversation will go something like this:

WIFE--Is there a reason that all of your umpiring clothes are on the floor in the bedroom?

ME--I HAD NO IDEA THERE WERE CLOTHES ON THE FLOOR UNTIL YOU TOLD ME.  I AM OUTRAGED BY THIS CONDUCT AND I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT THERE WILL BE A THOROUGH INVESTIGATION INTO THIS MATTER AND THAT IF THERE IS ANY WRONGDOING UNCOVERED, THE PEOPLE RESPONSIBLE WILL BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE!

And then Attorney General Eric Holder completes the triple play of obfuscation by belittling Senator Darrel Issa during testimony on the failure to release Justice Department emails yesterday:

http://firstread.nbcnews.com/_news/2013/05/15/18279019-holder-scolds-issa-for-shameful-demeanor?lite

So the next time I fail to get something that I am required by policy to do at work--I'm going to put my boss in his place:

BOSS--Hey Jonathan, you never sent me the latest ratings report.

ME--THAT IS SO CONSISTENT WITH THE WAY YOU CONDUCT YOURSELF AS A MEMBER OF THE RADIO INDUSTRY. IT IS UNACCEPTABLE AND SHAMEFUL THAT YOU EVEN INSINUATE THAT I AM NOT DOING MY JOB.

I think I'm going to enjoy being an unaccountable bully from now on.