Thursday, October 31, 2013

Boo Humbug

As the years go by, Halloween continues to move up the list of my least favorite holidays.  It's fast-becoming as over-commercialized as Christmas, and some of the displays going up around town are just over-the-top--especially when you consider, we are talking about just a one day festival here. 

My first beef with Halloween is that the candy sucks now.  As someone who has eaten candy for 40-years, I can tell you there is nothing "fun" about the "Fun Size" candy bars the major brands package now for Halloween.  My wife and I pride ourselves on giving away the good stuff (you know, M&M's, Snickers, Kit Kats, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups) but the bags you buy now have these little, tiny bars that you almost feel embarrassed to hand out.  That's why we usually end up giving the kids two or three pieces just to make it worthwhile.  (And of course, the candymakers like to trumpet the fact that you are "still getting the same number of bars for the same price!!")

Secondly, the kids don't seem to put much effort into anymore.  The costumes have been on the decline for decades.  When I was a kid, you wanted a costume so good that your neighbors couldn't tell who you were (which is why you wore a costume).  Now it seems that half of them just put on some gray face paint, throw some blotches of red ink on their rattiest sweatshirt and call themselves "zombies".  Also, based on scientific research at my house last year, only 63% of kids still say "trick or treat" when you answer the door.  "Thank you" was offered just over 52 percent of the time.  If you're going to get the free candy, kids, you gotta be willing to put in the work here.

And finally, Halloween has become rather skanky recently.  If you were to go out tonight, all you would see are Naughty Nurses, Sexy Catwomen, and Miley Cyrus MTV Video Music Awards twerking outfits.  It's like women have decided that Halloween is the one night that they can dress up like strippers and it will be socially-acceptable. And don't forget that those same barely-there costumes also come in Teen and Tween sizes--so the objectification of girls can start as early as middle school.  Ladies, if you want to go the "sexy" route, might I suggest donning the Princess Leia Slave Girl outfit that Jabba the Hutt made her wear in Return of the Jedi.  Every guy in the bar or at the party won't be able to take his eyes off of you.

So if you are one of those people who will be going to work today in a costume--or you stayed up all night baking a desert that looks like severed body parts--don't expect any "treats" from me today.  You're more likely to get a "Boo Humbug".

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