Friday, May 20, 2011

Riding Out The Rapture

For some of you, this is the last My Two Cents that you will hear.  If the billboards along Highway 41 and the full-page ads in the USA Today are correct, The Rapture is coming to Earth on Saturday.  6:00 pm on Saturday to be exact--which is a good thing, because I am playing golf Saturday morning and I would hate to be disturbed out there by the return of The Savior.

I'm assuming that those who are looking forward to the "end of days" tomorrow are all in on this thing--kind of like Linus and the Great Pumpkin in the Peanuts Halloween Special.  You didn't send in your mortgage payment or pay any of your utilities, because HELLO! you won't be around next week to need a house--or anything for that matter.  I got a chuckle out of the internet stories this week about the business in New Hampshire that has signed up hundreds of people to have their pets taken care of starting tomorrow--and the guy who took out an ad asking to pick up stuff Christians won't be needing anymore.

I'm also assuming that the billboards and ads will change on Sunday to read "So long suckers!!" or "See, we were right!!"  I'll be very disappointed if the same messages are on there beyond
Saturday--because that would mean the buyers really weren't committed to the message, were they?  I'm just glad there haven't been any stories on runs on Kool-aid and cyanide.

As for those of us "Left Behind" Saturday night, there will likely be some positives and negatives.  On the negative side, the Militant Islamists will have a bit of a man advantage for awhile--and Republicans will have to find a new hardcore base to pander to without the main supporters of bans on gay marriage and prayer in public schools.

But there should be plenty of good things about losing a few billion people this weekend.  The "Left Behind" won't have nearly as many clueless people hitting us in roundabouts any more.  It should be easier to get a table at Machine Shed or IHOP on Sunday mornings.  Without the pointless religious channels on the cable system we will have more space available for sports and history programming.  And churches can be converted to business uses--putting some pretty valuable property on the tax rolls again. 

So for those of you leaving us this weekend, enjoy Ray Kinsela's cornfield in Iowa--those of us "Left Behind" will try to get along without you.  Talk to you again on Monday.

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