What Ryan Braun Should Say

Suspended Brewers star Ryan Braun is apparently ready to issue an apology for using performance enhancing drugs and his subsequent suspension.  It would seem to me that an apology could have been made the day after Braun agreed to a 65-game suspension from Major League Baseball last month--but apologies today need to be perfectly crafted by public relations specialists and reviewed by attorneys before they can be publicly aired.  Anyway, here is what Ryan Braun's apology should say:

I'm Ryan Braun, and I am a cheater and a liar.

I cheated baseball, its fans and my teammates by taking performance enhancing drugs all the way back when I was a student-athlete at the University of Miami.  I cheated by taking a shortcut, rather than putting in the hard work that many others did--some of whom never made it as far as I have in the game.

I lied to the fans, my teammates and my friends about my use of performance enhancing drugs in order to protect my reputation and my marketability as a high-profile athlete.  I even made up lies about those who eventually exposed my cheating in an attempt to discredit them.

I first want to apologize to the fans of the Milwaukee Brewers and to fans of baseball everywhere for the fraud that I perpetrated on them.  You came to treat me as a superstar and your children looked up to me as a hero--and now I must tell you that I did not earn or deserve all of that adulation and respect.  I'm sorry that parents have had to have a very difficult discussion with their kids about my cheating and why I cannot play in games that they are attending or watching on TV this season.

I also want to apologize to Dino Laurenzi, Junior for the lies I told about his involvement in my failed drug test during the 2011 playoffs.  Mr Laurenzi did nothing to cause me to fail that test--as I was using performing enhancing drugs at the time--and the positive was not due to the handling, tainting or storage of my sample--as I alleged Mr Laurenzi may have done in statements to the public and to the MLB appeals committee.  I further apologize for telling my fellow players that Mr Laurenzi spiked my sample because he is an anti-Semite and a Cubs fan.  I pulled the oldest trick in the Liberal playbook by trying to discredit those who caught me engaged in wrongdoing by throwing out accusations of anti-Semitism, racism, sexism or homophobia.  

I am also apologizing to my teammates for causing them to lie on my behalf--because of the lies I told them--and for costing them my services for the remainder of this season.  I want to apologize to all of the other players in Major Baseball as well--since my performance on the field was tainted by the use of PED's--and it may have cost them honestly-won victories, playoff titles or post-season awards.

I am using the time afforded to me by my deserved suspension to consider my place in the game.  Because of my cheating, I have enjoyed ill-gotten gains--including a sizeable guaranteed contract from the Brewers.  Because that contract is based on a fallacy of a career to this point, I am asking that the deal be renegotiated so that I make only the league minimum for a player with my tenure for the next two seasons.  If the Players Union blocks my attempt to renegotiate what is a fair deal for the Brewers, then I will donate the difference between what I am being forced to make and what I would be making with a minimum salary to Milwaukee area charities, public schools and police programs.  In addition, I will share my story (free of charge) with any public service campaign or group aiming to keep young athletes off steroids and hormones.  And in every appearance I will use the word "Cheater" to describe what I am.

From this day forward, I promise to stay clean and to earn whatever rewards or accolades come my way with hard work--and not the shortcuts that I have chosen to this point in my career.

I think you would agree, that apology might go a long way toward winning back the fans.