UW-Madison Chancellor Rebecca Blank says Governor Scott Walker's budget proposal that might require professors to teach more classes will lead to the "poaching" of UW faculty by other universities that don't require so much time in the classroom for their instructors. Blank adds that students will likely follow those instructors to those "less stressful" colleges.
That got me to thinking about the recruiting videos that air during college sports broadcasts and how schools could target students looking to "flee the oppressive UW System":
We here at Not Wisconsin University know that only well-rested, well-compensated minds can successfully teach today's youth. That is why at NWU you will never see professors burdened with the outrageous workload of four lectures or labs a day. In fact, you may not see professors at all--as we have a large staff of Teaching Assistants who handle most of the actual course work. What could be better than learning from someone who sat in the same desk as you just a couple of years ago?
Not Wisconsin University also encourages its faculty to take as much time away from the classroom as needed to write updated versions of the $85 textbooks they require for all of their classes--and which make the $45 used versions of previous editions at the off-campus bookstore obsolete.
NWU is a national leader in research outside of the classroom. Our faculty members have taken part in such groundbreaking studies as Social Media Habits of College Freshmen, America's On-Line Dating Patterns and the Effect Cocaine Use Has On the Mating Habits of Quail. THAT is the kind of knowledge that will make America a better place in the future and give our students the knowledge they need to succeed in the 21st Century workplace.
Not Wisconsin University faculty are also expected to be socially active. That means if the Evil Scott Walker tries to limit the influence of public sector unions again, they have our permission to organize bus trips to Madison to take part in protests--even if that means cancelling the classes that you paid for. And speaking of pay, we have some of the highest salaries in nation--because you have 20-years to pay back all of those student loans and will hardly notice!
And finally, to grant our professors the peace of mind they need to be their best every day, we offer tenure to all instructors--meaning they never have to worry about losing their positions, no matter how lousy a job they do. Unless of course they say something that might be considered offensive by students of color, women, gays, lesbians, bi-sexuals, trans-sexuals, those questioning their sexuality or members of any religious group--except for Evangelical Christians and Catholics.
So come to the school with the happiest faculty in America: Not Wisconsin University--where our motto is "Sed non ita laboratis" (You Work Hard So They Don't Have To".