Happy Festivus!! Welcome, newcomers. The tradition of Festivus begins with the Airing of Grievances--where I list all the ways that you have disappointed me this year. I'VE GOT A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE!!
DANGEROUS ROUNDABOUTS!! The City of Oshkosh has realized that drivers are just too dumb to understand the rules of roundabouts, so now pedestrians and bikers must wave orange flags while they cross--which will deter absolutely no one from gunning it to beat the driver that actually has the right of way.
SEGREGATED PARKING!!! I had to run in the store for one item recently, but had to park a quarter mile away because the first ten spots in every row are "reserved" for the handicapped, expectant mothers, mothers with babies, senior citizens, veterans and the "Associate of the Month". Where is the reserved spot for "Guy who is running in to get one item and will literally be here for two minutes"???? I'm going to start making that spot in the crosswalk directly in front of the door from now on.
ANTI-TRUMP CELEBRITIES!! Amy Schumer, Barbra Streisand, Bryan Cranston, Miley Cyrus, Cher and Chelsea Handler are among the dozens of famous people who claimed they would leave the US if Donald Trump won the election. Well, what are you still doing here? Are you waiting for Inauguration Day to finally make good on your promise? And why do these celebs always say they're moving to Canada? Why not go to your "socialist paradises" like Sweden or Denmark? Could it be that you don't actually want to give up 90% of your income to pay for all of those social programs?
NFL SCHEDULERS!!! Is it really that complicated to give the teams playing on Thursday night a bye the week before so the players aren't competing on short rest? Maybe some folks at the league office should be subjected to the beating players absorb in a game and then come back four days later to make out the schedule. We might see more common sense applied after that.
CUBS FANS!!! Let's not forget that your club is still has one title in the past 108 years. The super-volcano under Yellowstone Park is due for a cataclysmic eruption as well and nobody is rooting for that either.
JILL STEIN!!! Please do not ever run for President--or even school board--again. Citizens have already suffered enough of your attention-grabbing efforts to undermine the integrity of the election process and your hair-brained, mis-informed statements to the press.
TEAM USA HOCKEY COACH JOHN TORTORELLA!!! Thanks to your incompetence, what should have been the best sporting event of the year was ruined by a terrible US performance and having to watch crybaby Sidney Crosby hoist the World Cup of Hockey trophy after beating a bunch of no-name Europeans in the finals.
And now we move to the Feats of Strength! Festivus is not over until you pin me!!