Tuesday 11-06

The Hollywood screenwriters on are strike, and there is great concern over what the television networks are going to put on the air if the walkout goes several months. As a public service, I have come up with a few suggestions.

ABC: Simulcast your sister station ESPN. You already confuse everyone using the cross-promotion "you're watching ESPN on ABC". Well, are we watching ABC or ESPN? Plus I'm guessing Tuesday Night Poker will be a ratings giant.

NBC: One hour of "The Biggest Loser" followed by two hours of "Dateline NBC: To Catch a Predator." Biggest Loser is the only "reality" show I watch--because it's the only one that encourages contestants to take part in beneficial activities--rather than self-destructive. As for "To Catch a Predator", this is the most un-intentionally funny show on tv. What possesses these pedophiles to sit down and try to explain their being at the house? South Park had a classic episode where Chris Hansen was trying to do some other topic but predators kept showing up on the set.

CBS: Just go off the air. I know you like to call yourself "America's most watched network"--but outside of sports and 60 Minutes--I can't think of a single show I watch on that network. So they may as well go off the air when they don't have football or college hoops to put on the air. On the plus side, Katie Couric's ratings would actually go up.

Fox: 15 hours of "American Idol". I don't suggest this because I actually want nothing but this unwatchable crud on the air. My hope is that people would finally get sick of the show and it would be cancelled. Plus, with no one to write his witty "bon mots", Ryan Seacrest would have nothing to say.

MTV: You could actually play music videos.

Comedy Central: This one hurts, no Daily Show or Colbert Report. We'll just have to soothe the pain with South Park marathons and endless reruns of Chappelle's Show.

My best writers strike suggestion is for viewers: Turn off the boob tube and actually talk to your spouse and your kids.