Friday, February 1, 2013

Super Bold Predictions

Time for the Annual Super BOLD Predictions for the big game on Sunday!

I predict that when NFL Network begins its 12 hours of pre-game coverage at 5:30 am, the first feature will be on the retirement of Ray Lewis.

I predict that when ESPN begins their 8 hours of pre-game coverage at 9:30 am, the first feature will be on the retirement of Ray Lewis.

I predict that when CBS begins its 6 hours of pre-game coverage at 11:30 am, the first feature will be on the retirement of Ray Lewis.

I predict that 60% of pre-game coverage will focus on Ray Lewis' retirement, 25% will be on the Brothers Harbaugh, 10% will cover everything you need to know about Deer Antler Velvet Spray and 5% will focus on actual matchups and strategies for the game itself.

I predict that Ray Lewis will do such an over-the-top introduction dance coming out of the tunnel that non-football-watching-wives will ask their husbands "Does that player have epilepsy?"

I predict the CBS technician in charge of editing out the profanity from field microphones will collapse in exhaustion while working on the tape of Ray Lewis' rambling pre-game rant to his teammates.

I predict that CBS will show five seconds of flag-waving during Alicia Key's National Anthem--and two-and-a-half minutes of Ray Lewis crying while listening to the song.

I predict that when the Ravens win the coin toss, Ray Lewis will collapse to the ground, kissing the field and crying while thanking God.

I predict the nation's phone and internet services will crash as millions of people try to contact their local Papa John's pizza to order the free medium one topping that they just won thanks to predicting the coin flip correctly.

I predict the kickoff will be a minimum 20-minutes later than the 5:30 time the NFL said it would be.

I predict Packers fans will want to throw their beer bottles through the TV as CBS shows highlights of Colin Kaepernick running wild in the NFC Divisional Playoff game.

I predict panic will sweep over the CBS production truck when on the third play of the game, Ray Lewis re-tears his Deer Antler Velvet Spray-repaired triceps muscle and is forced to head to the locker room.

I predict order will be restored in the CBS production truck when the producer tells everyone to switch to plan B--show Jack and Jackie Harbaugh's reaction to every play for the rest of the game.

I predict moments after the "racist" Volkswagen "Be Happy" ad airs, the CBS offices in New York will be flooded with calls from thousands of "offended" white liberals--there will be no calls from African-Americans or Jamaicans.

I predict that there will be MULITIPLE reports from MULTIPLE reporters on the status of Ray Lewis inside the locker room.

I predict that at halftime, Beyonce will NOT lip sync her performance--not that anyone would have noticed with the skimpy dress she will be wearing.

I predict that a tearful Ray Lewis will return to the Ravens sideline in street clothes for the second half--prompting Phil Simms to say "this will really inspire Baltimore to pull this game out" (like they had ZERO incentive to win before).

I predict that by the middle of the 3rd quarter, Jack Harbaugh will take to flashing the camera "the bird" so that they aren't shown after EVERY SINGLE PLAY!!

I predict that by the start of the 4th quarter, Frank Gore will be closing in on the Super Bowl rushing record of 204 yards held by Timmy Smith of all people--and Colin Kaepernick will be over the quarterback rushing record of 64 yard held by Steve McNair of all people.

I predict that non-football watching wives will complain about how "boring" the 49ers are--"because all they do is run the ball".

I predict CBS will forego showing any of the final two minutes of the game on the field--to focus exclusively on Ray Lewis hugging his teammates on the sidelines.

I predict a final score of San Francisco 31, Baltimore 10.

I predict NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell will be greeted with deafening BOOOOOOS from the New Orleans crowd for the post-game ceremonies.

I predict CBS will miss the Super Bowl trophy presentation to get a live report from several reporters standing outside the Ravens locker room hoping to get an interview with Ray Lewis.

I predict Frank Gore will be the Super Bowl MVP.

I predict that Jack and Jackie Harbaugh will admit post-game that John is their favorite--and they are disappointed that Jim won tonight.

I predict members of Ray Lewis' posse will kill Roger Goodell in the parking lot after the game--in retaliation for "disrespecting their boy".

And finally, I predict 80% of those watching the game will not be able to give you the correct final score the next morning.

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