In an effort to be as proactive as possible, I'm looking to set up a network where I can pick up a few billion "carbon credits" to use so that I can continue to live a normal life here in America. President Obama is expected to announce new limits on carbon emissions during his big speech today--and I don't want to get caught unprepared for the hardships that will lie ahead in meeting those arbitrary goals.
First off, I will need all of those people who feel they get enough information to make it through life by reading books and newspapers at the library to send me a few credits so that I can continue to charge my iPhone, run my computer to access the internet and power my big screen TV for the Stanley Cup Playoffs and the golf majors. I will also need some people that bike or ride the bus everywhere to give me their credits so I can continue to drive to all of the places that are too far away to ride and that don't lie anywhere near bus routes.
If the guys who play disc golf could pass over a few credits so that the "real" golf courses that I play can continue to operate their mowers, that would be great. I'd also appreciate it if the folks that tie their canoes to the tops of their Priuses and spend a week paddling the Boundary Waters every summer could let me use their carbon allowance so that the wife and I can fly to Florida, Hawaii and Australia.
I'll probably also need the guys who make a living selling hemp products at all the farmers markets around the area to let us use a few of their credits so we can keep the giant antenna on the northside of Oshkosh powered up--allowing me to continue to make my living. The composters with their "Michele Obama Gardens" in the back yard probably have a few carbon credits to spare so I can get an Iowa Corn Fed Beef steak every once in a while. And if the people that ferment the "green juice" in their basements could send a few credits over to the Leinenkugel's Brewery in Chippewa Falls so I can continue to enjoy Summer Shandy on a warm July evening that would certainly be appreciated.
So if all of you who take such great pride in "helping to save the planet" could just contact me with a way to pick up your carbon credits I'll start putting together my list. It will be saved right next to the list of people willing to give up their spot in line ahead of me for rationed health care in the future.