A Jury of My Non-Peers

If I ever commit a murder or other heinous crime, I hope my jury is filled with the people who are demanding "justice" for Steven Avery and Brendan Dassey.  I want people who come to the courthouse with a pre-conceived notion that law enforcement and prosecutors are crooked and put huge amounts of time and effort into framing innocent people for the simple satisfaction of seeing those poor patsies sit in prison for the rest of their lives.

I want these self-made experts on evidence collection, on DNA testing, on ballistics, on cleaning up blood, on how bodies burn and on police interrogation tactics to be casting slanted eyes toward every piece of evidence the state might bring against me.  And I want them to take their hard beliefs into the deliberations so they can badger the other jurors into adopting their points of view.

Forget about having trial lawyers defend me against those charges.  Give me a couple of film school students working on their final project for graduation.  Let them edit out volumes of evidence and testimony.  Let them present opinions from people not even involved in the case and not sworn under oath to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth--at the risk of criminal perjury charges.  And let them promise members of the jury their 15-minutes of fame if they are willing to "tell them" that they never wanted to find me guilty--they just felt "forced to do it".

I'll also add to my defense a self-described "bored guy from Oregon" who will conduct his own "investigation" into a couple of other people that he thinks are the "real killers".  He can come to Wisconsin, try to check out the evidence files in my case and then start publishing a personal list of suspects on the internet--none of whom were anywhere near the scene of my crime.

And how do I plan to pay for all of this?  Through crowdsourcing of course.  There is an entire population of people who believe that everyone accused of a crime is innocent and are willing to donate something in the name of "justice".  And then there are the just plain idiots who would even give money to a woman who claims she spent every penny she had on lottery tickets because she was "sure" she was going to win the record Powerball jackpot.

And after I get away with my gruesome, demented crime, I'm going to thank those people by moving in right next door to them and making sure that I really "get to know" their daughters and wives--as a way of saying "thank you" for their misguided support.