Monday, May 23, 2016

The Further Adventures Of Liberal Man!!

The hottest thing in pop culture today is superheroes.  Comic books are almost cool, every other movie features installments of old and new superheroes and people dressed up like them are no longer treated like the biggest losers on the planet.  Never one to pass up on an opportunity to cash in on a trend, I'm thinking about creating my own superhero: Liberal Man!!

Liberal Man's origin story is that of Todd Thompson--a white man born to an upper middle-class family.  Todd seems to have the perfect life, until he enters the public education system--where he learns that people of his gender and race are exclusively responsible for all of the social ills in the world today.  Then, while attending State University, he asks an Asian-American student where her family is from--and the co-ed goes to the Dean of Students to complain about being made to feel unwelcome in this country.  Todd is kicked out of school for that egregious micro-aggression and creating a hostile environment on campus.  Disgusted by the monster he has become, Todd vows to never hold an actual job--and instead dedicates himself to wiping out social inequality wherever it can be found (or created)--and Liberal Man is born!

In the first edition, Liberal Man heads to North Carolina where a handful of transgender people are not allowed to use the bathroom of their choice.  WHAP!! BOOM!! and Liberal Man punches out the evil Republican Governor and Legislators--and the trans people have bathroom equality!

In the next edition, Liberal Man jets over to Edinburgh, Scotland where women are not allowed to be members of the Muirfield Golf Club.  ZOCK!! PUNCH!! and Liberal Man takes down the stodgy old Scottish men--and just like that, Muirfield has a women's locker room and lounge!!

Then it's back to the US where fast food workers are making just $8 an hour.  SLASH!! CHOP!! Ronald McDonald is brought to his knees and those who mop the floor and take out the garbage are suddenly making $15 an hour!

I notice the biggest movies now feature superheroes fighting each other for no real good reason--so for our big screen blockbuster Liberal Man will battle Conservative Man--taking guns away from law-abiding citizens and blocking Conservative Man's efforts to get guns out of the hands of criminals by calling those efforts "racial targeting".  In the climactic scene, Liberal Man overcomes Conservative Man and his ally Military Man by preventing them from effectively fighting Islamic Terrorism in the Middle East.

The Liberal Man franchise may be limitless, as everyone--except for those like Todd Thompson--are the victims of some sort of injustice in the world today.  And if they aren't, Liberal Man can just make some stuff up--like telling overweight people to diet and exercise is "hate speech".

I would have to end each issue of Liberal Man with a few panels dedicated to the unintended consequences brought on by Liberal Man's heroic actions--like the women of North Carolina being disgusted by the toilet seat being left up and drops of tinkle all over the rim of the bowl.  Or ladies being bored out of their minds as members of the Golfers Society of Edinburgh sit around eating their soup in the cold, lifeless clubhouse of Muirfield.  And the moving crews wheeling in the self-serve, touch-screen ordering kiosks into the fast food restaurants as the teenage employees fawn all over Liberal Man.  You have to have some sort of reality in these stories--just to keep them grounded.

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