Why We Need Death Rays On Our Cars

So the wife and I are driving to the final class of Financial Peace University last night when we come upon a red Saturn doing about five miles an hour below the posted speed limit on Westfield Street. This was in the area of the retirement village--and since I drive that way quite a bit--I figured it was yet another senior confused about which driveway they are supposed to enter or they can't remember if they are on the way to somewhere or on the way back home from somewhere.

I couldn't tell what the situation was--even as we sat at the stop light at Oshkosh Ave because the person was shorter than the back of the seat. Once the light turned green, both the Saturn and I turned left--except the Saturn turned into the middle of the two westbound lanes and continued to straddle the stripes for a couple hundred feet before veering sharply into the left lane and finally coming up to the speed limit.

As I passed the driver (going the posted limit, thank you) I looked over to see the driver was a woman on her cell phone. That would explain the driving well below the limit for so long. And the reason her car was driving down the middle of the road for so long? The car was a manual transmission--so she had to use her right hand to not only steer, but to also shift. Heaven forbid you hang up and drive--or at least pull the phone away from your ear to use the left hand to steer while you change gears!! Before I finally got fed up with my own driving and talking--I used to drive my wife nuts by saying "Gotta shift now" and leaving her with half a cell-phone conversation in her mouth.

As we passed the restaurant near the Highway 41 interchange we saw an Oshkosh Police squad car pulling out of the lot. I'm sure the officer spotted that woman on her cell phone and immediately cited her for distracted driving.

So just as we are calming down and leaving Highway 41 at the 45 interchange, my wife tells me to look at the woman driving the green minivan in the lane next to us. I glance over and see that the woman is balancing her checkbook behind the wheel. She had her checkbook over the center of the steering wheel and was writing things in the register--doing the math as well. Surprisingly, she missed the light changing to green as I pulled away from her and she sat there. She must have eventually noticed what was going on--because she went blowing by me on 45--doing at least 15 above the posted limit.

So I would like to ask President Obama to give up requiring 50-mile a gallon electric cars for Government Motors and instead allow us to order Laser Death Rays on our vehicles--to make our streets safe for those of us that actually drive when we are behind the wheel.