Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Vacation Postcards

I'm back from my extended holiday weekend and I've got a few postcards to send out.

To the crazy Illinois driver heading south in his Lexus SUV on Highway 45 Monday afternoon:  Dear Idiot,  Thank you for endangering the lives of so many people along the road.  Obviously, the need for you to save five minutes on your drive home required you to try and pass 15-vehicles at once--in a no-passing zone I might add--veering back into your own lane, cutting off people and probably causing two on-coming drivers to soil themselves after it appeared you would not get out of the passing lane in time to avoid a head-on collision.  It's a good thing my wife was sleeping at the time--or she'd have several more lines to add to his postcard.  Please stay home from now on.

To the City of Marion Police Department:  Dear Sirs, I must compliment you on another fine effort in enforcing our speed limits along Highway 45 Monday afternoon.  I was impressed by how you and your State Patrol brethren had three drivers pulled over at each end of town!  I'm sure the people of Marion sleep well at night knowing that no one is going more than 60-miles an hour on a stretch of road that has a handful of businesses and no homes on it.  PS:  How did you miss the Illinois driver in his white, Lexus SUV doing about 100-miles an hour just a few minutes earlier passing 15-cars in a no passing zone?

To Former Ohio State Football Coach Jim Tressel:  Dear Jim,  Thank you for finally seeing the light and leaving the cesspool of cheating and lying that you have created in Columbus.  Little did we realize that when you started bringing Southeastern Conference-type athletes and success to the Big Ten that you were also bringing the SEC-type cheating and recruiting violations that have dragged ourconference down to the same level.  Before you, when the Big Ten was losing in BCS games we could at least hold on to the belief that our athletes were actually "students" and that most of our teams were abiding by the NCAA rules.  So much for that.  Just get your sweater vest and get out.

To Joanne Kloppenberg:  Thank you for resisting the calls from the Democratic Party officials who pull your strings to challenge the election and recount results in court.  Yes, the recount was warranted--but the still 7-thousand vote gap was not going to be made up without mass ballot challenges that would just serve to anger even more people.  Nice job in the farewell press conference in trying to call into question the validity of pretty much every ballot cast in the state that didn't have your name checked off--I'm sure the handful of conspiracy theorists out there still side with you on those points.  Now feel free to return to whatever job Jim Doyle appointed you to that you are probably unqualified to hold as well.

You know, vacation is nice--but it is good to get back to work.

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