It's December 23rd and you know what that means, IT"S FESTIVUS!! And now is the time for the annual AIRING OF THE GRIEVANCES in which I tell you all of the ways you have disappointed me in the past year. As usual, I HAVE A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE!!
PEOPLE WHO WALK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LANE BETWEEN PARKING STALLS: YOU CANNOT IMAGINE THE SELF-CONTROL IT TAKES NOT TO JUST RUN YOU DOWN LIKE THE MONGREL DOGS YOU ARE. AND I KNOW THAT IF I EVER ACTED UPON THESE URGES THAT I WOULD BE ACQUITTED BECAUSE ALL 12 PEOPLE IN THE JURY BOX WOULD NOD THEIR HEADS IN AGREEMENT AS I TESTIFIED ABOUT THE RAGE THAT BUILDS WHILE YOU JUST STROLL AND PUSH YOUR LITTLE CART WHILE THE CARS PILE UP BEHIND YOU!!
INTERNET TROLLS: YOU HAVE COMPLETELY RUINED THE IDEA OF USING SOCIAL MEDIA AS A VENUE FOR ANY TYPE OF INTELLIGENT DISCUSSION OF ISSUES. YOU CONSTANTLY FILL THE TIMELINES OF OUR NEWS FEED AND THOSE OF REPUTABLE SOURCES AND LAW ENFORCEMENT WITH SNARKY AND VILE COMMENTS THAT INVARIABLY HAVE TO DELETE SO AS NOT TO APPEAR TO GIVE TACIT APPROVAL TO SUCH STATEMENTS. TAKE YOUR RACISTS ASSES BACK INTO YOUR MOTHERS' BASEMENTS AND DIE!!
FOOTBALL OFFICIALS: I WOULD LIKE TO THINK THAT WE HAVE REACHED THE NADIR OF FOOTBALL OFFICIATING--AS BLATANTLY BAD CALLS HAVE COST EACH OF MY FAVORITE TEAMS GAMES THIS YEAR--BUT FOR SOME REASON I THINK IT WILL ONLY GET WORSE BEFORE IT GETS BETTER. AND HOW CAN YOU GO TO REPLAY AND REVERSE A CORRECT CALL TO A WRONG CALL? I THOUGHT THE IDEA WAS TO USE THE VIDEO TO GET THINGS RIGHT--NOT PILE MORE BLOWN CALLS ON TOP OF OTHER BLOWN CALLS!!
DONALD TRUMP SUPPORTERS: WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO WAKE UP TO THE GIANT JOKE THAT IS BEING PLAYED ON YOU? THIS GUY IS ACTUALLY RUNNING AN EXPERIMENT TO SEE HOW BIG A BUFFOON SOMEONE CAN BE AND STILL GET POLITICAL SUPPORT--AND YOU ARE PLAYING RIGHT INTO HIS HANDS. YOU DO KNOW THAT HE HOLDS EVERY ONE OF YOU IN CONTEMPT FOR BEING STUPID ENOUGH TO BELIEVE HIS B-S?!?!
THOSE WHO WORK IN ACADEMIA: HOW DID THE CODDLING OF MILLENIALS GO--NOW THAT YOU ARE BEHOLDEN TO THEIR "FEELINGS" TO DETERMINE WHAT YOU ARE ALLOWED TO SAY IN THE CLASSROOM? DID YOU NEVER EXPECT THE FINGERS OF BLAME TO BE TURNED UPON YOU AFTER ENCOURAGING SO MANY KIDS TO BLAME OTHERS FOR EVERYTHING ELSE THEY DON'T LIKE? AND NOW YOU PASS YOUR RESOLUTIONS SUPPORTING "FREE SPEECH"--BUT THEN CONTINUE TO LIMIT THAT TO COMMENTS THAT MATCH YOUR OWN OPINIONS.
SNOWMOBILERS, SKIIERS AND ICE FISHERMEN: PLEASE SPARE US YOUR SOB STORIES ABOUT NOT GETTING TO HIT YOUR FAVORITE TRAILH, HILL OR LAKE THIS WINTER BECAUSE THERE IS NO SNOW AND ICE. THIS IS THE GREATEST WINTER IN WISCONSIN HISTORY AND THE REST OF US DON'T FEEL THE SLIGHTEST BIT SORRY FOR YOU. BESIDES, YOU HAD PLENTY OF WINTER TO ENJOY THE PAST COUPLE OF YEARS. OH YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, THE POLAR VORTEX MADE IT "TOO COLD" TO BE OUTSIDE!!
Now it is time for the Feats Of Strength. Remember, Festivus is not over until you pin me!!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment