Friday, December 23, 2011

The Annual Festivus Airing of Grievances

It's Festivus!! According to founder Frank Kostanza, the Tradition of Festivus begins with the Airing of Grievances.  AND I HAVE A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE!!

--TO THE NFL NETWORK AND TIME WARNER CABLE: GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER AND GET THAT STATION ON MY TV!  YOU TAKE A COUPLE OF STEELERS AND COWBOYS GAMES EVERY YEAR--AND I WOULD LIKE TO BE ABLE TO WATCH THAT GAME AT HOME--INSTEAD OF IN A BAR!!

--TO THE PEOPLE THAT STILL DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE THROUGH ROUNDABOUTS: WE HAVE HAD THEM FOR TWO YEARS NOW IN OSHKOSH!!  HOW CAN WE GET THE RULES FOR NAVIGATING THEM THROUGH YOUR INCREDIBLY THICK SKULLS?  IT'S SIMPLE--YOU CAN'T TURN LEFT FROM THE RIGHT HAND LANE, YOU CAN GO STRAIGHT IN BOTH LANES--AND IF YOU ARE IN THE ROUNDABOUT YOU DON'T YIELD TO PEOPLE OUTSIDE THE ROUNDABOUT!!

--TO THOSE WORKING TO FORCE A RECALL ELECTION NEXT YEAR: FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY FOUR YEARS AS A HOMEOWNER, MY PROPERTY TAXES INCREASED LESS THAN MY HOUSEHOLD INCOME (-0.2% TO 0% RESPECTIVELY)!  THAT SOUNDS VERY FAIR TO ME!!

--TO TIM TEBOW APOLOGISTS: I LOOK FORWARD TO PITTSBURGH CRUSHING THE BRONCOS IN THE FIRST ROUND OF THE NFL PLAYOFFS AND FINALLY PUTTING YOU FOOTBALL IGNORAMUSES IN YOUR PLACE!!

--TO JENNIFER LOPEZ:  YOUR FIAT COMMERICALS MAKE ME WANT TO OWN ONE OF THOSE OVERPRICED, EURO-JUNK, MICROCARS EVEN LESS THAN I WOULD HAVE BEFORE!!

--TO FOX TELEVISION NETWORK:  THANKS FOR RUINING NAPOLEON DYNAMITE BY TURNING IT INTO AN INCREDIBLY UNFUNNY CARTOON SERIES.  HAVE WE REALLY RUN OUT OF ORIGINAL PROGRAMMING IDEAS--THAT THIS GOT THE GREEN LIGHT?!?  PUT ON SOMETHING FUNNY--LIKE AQUA TEEN HUNGER FORCE!!!

--FOX AGAIN: YOU CAN DROP AMERICAN IDOL ANY YEAR NOW AS WELL!!  CAN ANYONE NAME ANY OF THE LAST FIVE WINNERS?!?!  NO--BECAUSE THEY SUCK!!

--TO THOSE COMPLAINING ABOUT NO SNOW OR ICE IN OUR AREA:  WINNIPEG, MANITOBA, CANADA HAS PLENTY OF SNOW AND FREEZING COLD RIGHT NOW--SO FEEL FREE TO MOVE!!  AND THEY HAVE A HOCKEY TEAM AGAIN, SO THERE IS SOMETHING TO DO DURING THEIR SIX MONTH WINTER!!

--TO THOSE OCCUPY WALL STREET FOLKS WHO WANT THEIR STUDENT LOAN DEBT FORGIVEN:  MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE CONSIDERED SOMETHING OTHER THAN PUPPETRY, MUSIC OR GRAPHIC DESIGN FOR A MAJOR!!  SOMETHING LESS THAN SIX YEARS ON CAMPUS WOULD HAVE BEEN A GOOD IDEA AS WELL!!

--TO MICHELLE BACHMAN, RICK PERRY AND NEWT GINGRICH:  JUST GO HOME ALREADY!!  AND KEEP SARAH PALIN THERE AS WELL!!

--TO PARENTS WHO SPEND EVERY SECOND OF THEIR KIDS' BASKETBALL GAMES YELLING ABOUT FOULS AND TRAVELING:  YOU ARE BIASED, IGNORANT FOOLS!!  BELIEVE IT OR NOT, YOUR CHILD IS NOT GOING TO THE N-B-A--AND NO AMOUNT OF COMPLAINING ABOUT EVERYBODY ELSE ON THE COURT IS GOING TO CHANGE THAT FACT!!

Festivus now continues with the Feats of Strength!  Festivus cannot end until you pin me!!

2 comments:

  1. It's a Festivus Miracle. Now lets wrestle

    ReplyDelete